Becoming We
We are trying to solve collective problems with individual minds. It isn’t working.
Let’s learn a new way.
As a society, we are facing collective, planetary-scale challenges. But we are trying to solve them with minds shaped for individual survival. Until we develop a deeper sense of connection and belonging, starting within ourselves and moving outward to others, our ability to respond will remain fundamentally limited.
The Pattern
For nearly two decades, I have worked at the intersection of systems change and organizational development, bringing together leaders, teams, and partners around shared goals.
Across different contexts, I have noticed a pattern.
Imagine being in a room with a group of thoughtful, committed people designing a new program. There is a shared purpose, clear direction, intelligence, and good intention. The conversation begins creatively. People ask questions and brainstorm together.
Then something shifts. One person introduces a new perspective, and the tone changes. Responses become guarded. Curiosity gives way to rigidity. Within minutes, the dynamic flips from collective exploration to parallel defense, each person working to ensure their own view prevails.
The group morphed from a collective “we” to a bunch of individual “I”s.
This moment is common and predictable. We have all lived it.
It’s easy to misinterpret as a process problem, requiring stronger facilitation, group agreements, or better alignment. But different methods, techniques, and tools never fully eliminate the phenomenon.
It shows up as a pattern across various groups, organizations, and types of work. It appears in strong teams and those newly formed. The topic does not matter. What is consistent is the shift.
This is not just a system problem. It is also a human one.
The Paradox
Our world faces unprecedented challenges.
Climate change, global pandemics, economic inequality, and rapid technological change are not isolated issues. They are deeply interconnected, unfolding across systems, and shaping one another in real time. Water, air, storms, and viruses do not stop at the lines we draw on a map.
They require us to function as a collective “We.”
And yet, we continue to reward individual gain, competition, and short-term outcomes. The pressure for rapid growth and quarterly earnings often outweighs the desire to serve the whole.
If we know we need to operate as a “We,” why do we keep falling back into patterns of “I”?
Who is “I” Anyways?
Throughout history, humans have tried to understand what it means to be an “I.” Great philosophers, spiritual teachers, and psychologists have all explored the concept of self.
In their search, a similar theme appears: the self is not singular. Part of us reacts, and part of us can notice the reaction. We are made up of multiple parts.
The Egoic Mind
I call our reactive part the egoic mind, or our human operating system. This is the piece of us that experiences life as “I.” Its purpose is to protect us from pain and suffering, and it is part of what makes us uniquely human.
For most animals, emotions are closely tied to what is happening in the moment. For example, if a gazelle is chased by a lion, its body floods with fear and adrenaline. But when the chase is over, the intensity of that emotion settles.
The human brain is different.
We don’t just live in the present moment. We craft stories about our past and use those stories to make decisions about the future. For example, if I were chased by a lion, I would probably have ongoing nightmares about it. I would analyze the situation in my mind, trying to understand why the lion chose me. Was it my scent, my size, my voice? Did it sense I was weak? Maybe I need to start running. Maybe I should download a running app. By summer, maybe I could enter a race. In a year, maybe an ultramarathon. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
This is our egoic mind doing exactly what it was designed for - to protect us.
Most of the threats we face today are not lions, but we’re still running on the same operating system.
The egoic mind is predictable and patterned. You might recognize it as the impulse to go along, even when something inside you says otherwise, or to keep refining, as if flawlessness could protect you from being seen as wrong. To plan obsessively when the future feels uncertain, or to seek validation when your worth feels in question. These are its core traits: appeasement, perfectionism, flattery, vanity, glamorization, withdrawing, doubt, excessive planning, and control. When a threat is present, the egoic mind writes a story and chooses one of these strategies to protect itself. The process is outdated.
In our rapidly changing world, crafting a single story to predict multiple outcomes is no longer sufficient. We aren’t navigating small, familiar groups any longer. We are communicating with vast networks of people, each with their own narratives, experiences, and opinions. It’s simply too many variables to merge into one story.
Relying on this outdated operating system has devastating consequences on our teams, organizations, and relationships. As one non-profit executive director shared in a recent coaching session, “It’s like everyone is out to get each other. How are we supposed to focus on mission and vision when we are eating each other alive?”
It’s time to stop operating on automatic default and practice a different way of being.
The We Within
To give the ego some credit, being human is not easy. Life is filled with a lot of painful emotions. The fear of being insignificant or overlooked. Of being wrong or imperfect. Of not being needed, valued, or seen. Of being depleted, without guidance or safety. Of being trapped, controlled, or harmed.
When our hearts feel these things, it makes sense that the mind would craft stories and strategies to protect us. Our bodies feel it too, often holding the imprint of these experiences long after the moment is gone.
This is the egoic mind at work. Built on fear and scarcity, it experiences itself as “I” and quickly funnels our reaction into a single response.
But the ego has forgotten something very important. There is another way to navigate the world.
One of the first times I experienced the “We Within” was in college. I was 20 years old and heartbroken over a boy I liked who didn’t feel the same way. My egoic mind went to work immediately, crafting familiar narratives: you’re not attractive enough, not good enough, not lovable enough. You will be alone forever. It’s a terrible but popular script.
So I went for a walk in the woods, just to get out of my head. The path led to a clearing along a river, and as I turned the corner, a mountain came into view. The beauty stopped me dead in my tracks. I sat down and stared at it, with tears running down my cheeks, overwhelmed with awe.
And then a new story emerged.
Instead of looking at nature as an object separate from myself, like a painting in a museum, I realized I was part of it. There was no distance between me and the world. I was literally sitting in it. Which meant, the beauty I was witnessing, included me too.
At that moment, I was no longer just a separate and lonely self. I was a part of something much bigger. My sense of fear, doubt, and dread subsided. A different internal story formed. I experienced the “We Within.”
Essence
That experience has a name: essence. Unlike the egoic mind, it is multi-dimensional, abundant, and expansive. It doesn't organize around protecting the individual 'I' but rather allows us to experience ourselves in relationship to the earth, to other people, and to our own inner world.
Just as we can name the traits of the egoic mind, we can also name the traits of essence. They are the deepest ground of our being - not achieved, not constructed, not earned. It’s the layer of identity rooted in the source of life itself.
When I sit with these traits, my whole body responds in recognition, as if something deep inside simply says, yes… this is what it means to be fully human. Maybe one of the reasons we keep falling back into the patterns of “I” is that these moments, when we experience the fullness of essence, are rare. If we don’t regularly feel what it’s like to have a sense of worth and belonging within ourselves, how are we supposed to practice it with others?
The Art of Becoming
If the egoic mind runs automatically, and the “We Within” requires awareness and connection, the question is: how do we actually adapt?
It doesn’t happen all at once. It unfolds through a series of internal movements. Each one builds on the last, gradually changing how we relate to ourselves and others.
Internal Movements
1. Learn
The first step is understanding that the egoic mind is not random. It follows patterns.
Each of us has tendencies in how we think, feel, and respond, especially under pressure. These patterns are shaped by the fears we carry and the strategies we’ve developed to navigate the world. Learning to recognize them helps us see that what feels like “who I am” is often a familiar way of protecting ourselves.
2. Watch & Pause
Once we understand our patterns, the next step is to develop the ability to watch them unfold in real time.
We begin to notice the reaction as it is happening — the quick story forming in our heads, the tightening in our chest, the impulse to defend, withdraw, or prove. We are no longer only inside the reaction. We are beginning to observe it.
From that place of observation, we can begin to create space. This is often the hardest movement. It requires us to slow down in moments when everything in us wants to react. To suspend judgement, about ourselves and others. Even a small pause interrupts the automatic response and allows something else to emerge.
3. New Action
With awareness and space, we can begin to choose new action.
The egoic mind is still present, but it is no longer the only voice shaping our behavior. We can respond from a different place, one that is not driven solely by fear or habit. From there we can invite our essence to emerge.
Over time, these internal movements become a practice. And that practice begins to extend beyond us.
External Movements
As we begin to access the “We Within,” it changes how we relate to others. This shift does not happen all at once. It develops in stages, expanding outward over time.
4. One-on-One
The first place we practice is in our direct relationships.
In conversation with another person, we begin to notice when the egoic mind wants to defend, interrupt, or prove. Instead of reacting automatically, we pause, listen more fully, and remain open to another perspective.
5. Teams and Groups
From there, the practice expands into small groups.
In teams, the egoic mind often shows up as competition, protecting ideas, or needing to be right. When we bring awareness into these spaces, something shifts. People begin to build on each other’s thinking rather than defend their own. The group becomes more than a collection of individuals.
6. Organizations
At the organizational level, the patterns become more embedded.
Structures, incentives, and culture often reinforce egoic behavior, rewarding speed, certainty, and individual success. Practicing “We” requires more intention. It shows up in how decisions are made, how information is shared, and how success is defined.
7. Communities
Beyond organizations, we begin to engage across differences.
Communities bring together people with different experiences, values, and perspectives. The ability to hold multiple viewpoints without collapsing into one becomes essential. This is where the “We Within” allows for a more inclusive and expansive “Collective We” to form.
This Progression Matters
Each level builds on the one before it. We cannot expect to operate as a collective "We" at a societal level if we have not first learned how to access it within ourselves, or practiced it in our immediate relationships.
And yet, that is ultimately where this work is pointing. At the broadest level, across vast systems, cultures, and identities, practicing "We" becomes a collective gift. It requires a high degree of awareness, humility, and the ability to practice belonging without defaulting to division. You could think of it as advanced practice. The black belt level.
Becoming “We” in the world begins with becoming a “We Within”.
Becoming We In Practice
These internal and external movements are not just a theory to me. They are something I’ve experienced in real life.
I’m on the leadership team in an organization that recently had to make a difficult and unpopular decision. People gathered to discuss the situation and emotions were very high. There was frustration, disappointment, and a lot of distrust.
Under the stress, I could feel my egoic mind at work - building arguments, rehearsing responses, and wanting to jump in and control the narrative. Because I have learned my patterns, I know how that story unfolds. In that version, I would have spoken with anger and authority, needing desperately to be understood, indifferent to the feelings of others. So, rather than watching the tragic and predictable pattern unfold, I asked it to pause.
Then I invited the “We Within” to come forward. I summoned new action, focusing on the qualities I wanted to be present into the room—compassion, care, insight, clarity, trust. I held those traits in mind, not as something to perform, but as characters to invite into the experience.
When it was my turn to speak, I was different. I felt calm, not reactive. I listened. My answers did not feel rehearsed. They emerged in the moment, shaped by what was being said rather than what I had prepared ahead of time.
Eventually, the tone of the room began to change. There was more space. More willingness to stay in the conversation and openness to hear what was being said.
I’ve seen what happens when a room shifts from “we” to “I.” I’ve also seen when it moves in the other direction.
It didn’t solve all our problems, but the change was noticeable. Afterward, someone asked me how I managed to stay so grounded in a conversation that could have easily exploded. The honest answer is that “I” did not do anything. Instead of letting the egoic mind run the show, I humbly asked the “We Within” to lead. It doesn’t remove tension or difficulty, but becomes a different way of being in the midst of it.
The Work Ahead
These moments are not abstract. They are everywhere. In conversations with our spouses, friends, and family. In conference rooms at work. Standing in line at the grocery store, or on the sidelines of our kids’ soccer games. They shape how we show up with one another, and over time, how we shape the systems we are part of.
The challenges we face are not slowing down. They are becoming more complex, more interconnected, and more human. We will not meet them by acting from a single, reactive “I.” We will meet them by learning how to access the “We Within.”
This is the work ahead. This is Becoming We.
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